Discussion of Governor Buckingham and Bishop's opposition to abolition and abolitionists. He reports a gloomy view of the war effort and postulates more about his affection, his need for it and his angst over the term of his enlistment.
Lafourche Crossing La.
June 4th 1863
Dear Wife,
This is another hot morning and I suppose that the only way that we shall be able to endure it will be by spreading our blankets under the trees and taking it as cooly as possible. There is no news from anywhere that is encouraging, the Boys are principlly cursing Gov. Buckingham of Conn. Some say that they would like to put a ball through him. Some call him everything that they can lay their tongue to, for my part I want to get out of the Abolition Concern for it is principally that, or in other words that is the principal object of the prosecution of the war with the greater part of the Republican Party, the Recruiting officers are going around among the different Rgts. of this department to get the men to reenlist but I do not think that they will succeed in getting many out of our Co., I do not think that it is best to say too much against the war because it may all tum out for the best but I am afraid that our government has undertaken more than it can carry out, in the 1st place there seems to be so much politics mixed up with competition that it would be a wonder if we should succeed, but dang the war I will talk about something else, in the l st place I do not feel like writing this morning and I guess that I had better put it by until I feel more in the humour or yumour.
Afternoon May [June] 4th the cars have arrived from N. Orleans bringing the back mail that was on the Quincy. I had 3 letters from you of the dates April 26th, 30th & May 3rd 1863. My darling I was glad to get these letters although they were back ones, in one of them you mention having been to the dentist to have the rest of your teeth extracted. I was sorry to hear that you bled so much but I was glad to hear that you recovered from it. I found the letters generally interesting and affectionate, after I have seen that you are all well in a letter I begin to look for the affectionate expressions. I suppose it is because my heart craves it, and then I look to see whether there is any expression that means a desire for a visit from grandmother, if there is that pleases me because I suppose that I am in my nature strongly inclined to gratification in that direction, now if you want to please me my dear Wife do not forget to sympathise with me in that respect as that is one of the great self denials that I suffer. Perhaps I should not mention it to you but I do it that you may know what will please me and because that that desire will continue until I have some way of gratifying it and I do not know of any way that I can avail myself of until I get home with you my darling.
In one of your letters you speak of my unfitness for the service. I am afraid it is too true although I have endeavered to accommodate myself to those around me as much as possible but I can not think that it is right for me to throw away all principle and become as deceitful as some of them are just to be popular and then again I have not as much faith that we shall succeed in sulduon [subduing?] them as many have, although I feel willing to do my duty and help as much as possible,
your letters are affectionate and good and that encourages me, I think my darling that you love me more than my intrinsic merits deserve, that is it would seem as if there was something in my nature repellant or that I do not sufficiently understand the nature of others, now my darling I desire to be loved by you dearly and I desire to love you in return and I think that we both of us feel that we are loved by the other, therefore I see nothing in the way of our deriving contentment from each others letters, there are times when I feel more strongly drawn towards you than I do at other times but I presume that we cannot always feel as enthusiastic even in love,
there is really no news my darling and I am obliged to fill out with whatever comes in my mind. I generally think the most of you and home from twilight to bed time and then I like to take your letters and read them over and look at your picture to keep your looks impressed upon my mind, I often look at the moon and think that perhaps you may be looking at it too and and think of the absent one, we have been highly favored by providence. I feel and I hope that we shall continue to receive the same kind protection.
I get to thinking of the pleasure that I might expect on joining you again and I can very easily imagine a picture of contentment and happiness after so long an absence, after I had seen you all (the children too), I should think of sleeping in a good bed, which I have not done since I stayed at home with you Thanksgiving night. I remember how kind and affectionate you were to me always after I had enlisted (and before too) and how much I did enjoy communion with you, my darling it seemed to me that I could not leave you and now that so many months have passed I still long for that same intimacy which no one but you can supply, do you blame me my darling that I think so much of that, I hope I shall be able to use you with tenderness my darling, do not think my dear that I should forget your comfort altogether (that is that you are the weaker vessel),
of course my dear Wife you know of my weaknesses and I hope that you have charity for them, donot blame me for speaking so plain because I sometimes feel as if I could not content myself for 2 or 3 months longer which I suppose I have got to do. You encourage me to do my duty and not rebel against the division of our time. You may be sure my dear that I shall try to conduct myself in such a manner that I can retain my own respect and yours too. I had made up my mind that I should not refuse to do my duty until the 14th of August unless we are mustered out sooner. What may turn up between this and that time we know not but I hope for the best and trust that Providence will enable us to once more come together as man and wife providing for our children and transacting all necessary business apertaining to the condition of a Family.
Well my dear Wife I have just had my supper of blackberries, rice, biscuits & tea, and one of my tent mates had some liver that he cooked and he gave me some, once in a while we get these little things and they taste good. I myself have bought a good deal of stuff outside of our rations, such as eggs, onions, butter, chickens. &c these we buy once in a while when our appetites feel as if they demanded something different.
Our mail goes to N. Orleans tomorrow morning and I must finish tonight what I send this time. Shorty Smith is out under the trees surrounded with a crowd of the Boys, he is addressing them in the style of the war speakers, he will ask them to enlist to save a draft, then he will imitate a speach that we heard in Danbury, then we have 3 cheers so such is the manner that the Boys kill time with a thousand rumours that they make up and swear to.
Now my darling little wife I love you and feel grateful to you for your love and look forward to the time that I can be with you to care for you and relieve you of part of the responsibility of the Family Care. I love the dear children and long to see them, while I am away from them and you I feel as if I was alone and of little importance to the world but I know that you and the children would miss me, would you not? Mother makes a long stay in Bridgeport, I should not think that she could be contented to be so long from Danbury. My dear you must content yourself as well as you can until I return which I hope will be inside of 3 months, It seems a long time to wait my darling, but I hope all will come out right. I know that you are lonesome without me and that my absense brings more burden on your shoulders but I hope you will receive strength to hold out. I long to see you my darling as you well know and I long to resume the life of the industrious citizen and I long to see peace shine once more on our fair land, believe that I love you dearly and long to tell you face to face,
from your devoted Husband
J. D. B.
